Pearl Harbor

Wow, I haven't done one of these since last year! OK, obligatory new year joke and obligatory long pause joke is done. On to the actual review. Pearl Harbor was directed by Michael Bay, well known in the film industry for unimaginative plots and large explosions. Naturally, I went into Pearl Harbor with very low expectations. But this is the film that revealed Michael Bay's true creative brilliance to me. It is a powerful statement about the modern movie industry and a great example of brilliant satire. It is so deep, I'm not sure where to start. For example, Bay criticizes the tendency of some movies to have forgettable characters by making all of the characters in the film have absolutely no personality and essentially the same character. Even the lead characters do not differ in any way from the generic support characters. The character of Red, in particular, is a marvelous hyperbolic satire of what passes for "unique character traits" in modern action blockbusters. Red has a stutter. That's it. That is all that defines him, and yet he is the most unique and developed character in the film. Well done, Michael. I could go on about all the clever moments of satire in this film, from the lampshading of the unrealistic lenience movie protagonists always seem to get for their escapades, to its criticism of the one-sided portrayals of "the enemy" in many war films, but it would be far too long. A masterpiece of satire that I wholeheartedly recommend.

127/130

Warning: This movie contains people that didn't exist. If you are offended by the concept of fiction, do not watch this film.

The Interview

Well, everyone on the internet seems to have suddenly become obsessed with the previously-obscure 1998 Australian thriller The Interview. Something to do with North Korea not liking it for whatever reason. With everyone talking about it, I thought I'd review it. The Interview is a crime drama thriller, focusing around, as one would guess from the title, an interview between the police and a suspect. You'd think a movie about people talking for an hour and a half would be boring, but it isn't. There are plot twists. Lots of plot twists. The entire plot is a giant twisty twist full of twists. And it's quite engaging. Also, Hugo Weaving. Hugo Weaving is awesome.

64/68

Warning: This movie contains police. If you are a strict anarchist and are offended by the concept of law enforcement, do not watch this film.

Peter Pan

I know what you're thinking. You want to ask, "Which Peter Pan are you reviewing? There's been, like, 10 different versions!" To which I say: "ALL OF THEM!". Also, there were only 5, do your research. Anyway, Peter Pan is a story about flying children who go to space and arrive on an island...in space...somehow. And there's water surrounding the island, seemingly level rather than coalescing into a sphere as one would expect water to do in space. On the space island, they encounter pirates (Does that make them space pirates? Or just regular pirates that happen to be in space?), mermaids, and... um... a Native American tribe? Are they still Native Americans if they're all in space and probably have never even seen America? Oh, and there's fairies. And some magical eternal youth stuff. And a ticking crocodile. OK, just trust me, it makes sense in context. Peter Pan is certainly a very unique space opera film (some of them literally, featuring lots of singing), and I can recommend it to those enjoy films that do something unique and different. You will not find another film featuring space mermaids and ticking crocodiles. Except, of course, the 4 other Peter Pan movies.

59/74

Warning: This movie contains a character with a hook hand. If you are offended by artificial implants, do not watch this film.

The Fifth Element

When I first saw the title, I thought that it was an odd film idea. Boron is not that exciting, how could you make an action movie about it? Turns out there's no boron in this movie at all. "Ok," I thought. "Maybe they're referring to the classical elements(Fire,Earth,Metal,Water, and Wood)." But there's no wood in the movie, either! It takes place in future New York, with not a tree in sight. After this realization, I had lost all respect for the movie and stopped watching entirely. This is why we need false advertising laws.

2/14

Warning: This movie contains an annoying black man. If you are offended by the character flaws of any character who is not a white male, do not watch this film.

A review from 40 years ago

So, I was cleaning out my time machine and came across a draft of a review I did back in 1977. This was particularly odd considering that I only started doing reviews this year, but when dealing with a time machine, it's best not to dwell on trivial details like continuity and causality. Anyway, I found a review, might as well publish it. The original came with a spoiler warning, but that's probably not necessary for a 40-year old review. Here it is:

Star Wars is a sci-fi adventure film. There's an evil empire with a huge fleet that controls the entire galaxy and there's a group of rebels that fight against the evil empire. The main character is a young farmer named Luke who receives a mysterious message and joins the rebel group in their fight to bring down the empire(Does it even have a specific name? Everyone in the movie seems to just be calling it "The Empire"). It's a pretty great film, with incredible special effects, an interesting story, and great characterization. One of my favorite moments was (MINOR SPOILER WARNING) when a smuggler named Han Solo shoots first at a bounty hunter sent after him. I thought it was a great way to really define Han's character, which would have been completely different if, say, the bounty hunter fired at him first, or they fired simultaneously or something. (END OF SPOILER) I was a bit disappointed with the ending, though. Without wanting to spoil too much, it just seemed a bit abrupt, and not much gets resolved. This is a movie that could definitely benefit from a sequel. But overall, it's a great film that I can recommend to everyone.

 76/80

Warning: This movie contains a mysterious omnipresent force. If you are offended by even the slightest religious symbolism, do not watch this film. 

The Lion King

Imagine Hamlet, but with lions. Now you may say, "Well, that's an oddly specific and rather strange concept." Well, Disney liked it, and they made a movie out of it. It follows Lion Hamlet Simba, as his father, Lion King Hamlet Mufasa, is killed by his uncle Lion Claudius Scar. There's no Lion Ophelia, though, because Disney is family-friendly and stuff. And, since it's Disney, all dramatic soliloquies have been replaced with catchy songs. If Shakespeare saw this, he would say "Egads! A moving picture! What is this sorcery?!", followed by "Wait, wasn't I dead?"

75/78

Warning: This movie contains animals killing each other. If you are offended by how nature works, do not watch this film.

The Matrix

They say that life is a game. The Matrix is about a guy who hax. Like, seriously, he's got fly mode, speedhack, instant respawn, wallhacks, infinite weapons. The movie follows his adventures as he meets a group of l33t hax0rz and learns hax from them, while pwning the admins that are trying to permaban him. A very fun movie, with lots of action and computery-sounding jargon.

1337/1453

Warning: This movie is set in the 90s. If you are offended by depictions of outdated technology, do not watch this film.

Quiz Show

Quiz Show is not actually a quiz show. Blatant false advertising if you ask me. It is, however, at least about a quiz show. But it had very little actual quizzing. Mostly some drama about corruption and families and stuff. I came expecting trivia contests and was left completely disappointed. Would not recommend.

8/21

Warning: This movie is based on actual events from American history. If you are offended by any history that does not involve people killing each other, do not watch this film.

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies (Apparently, Peter Jackson's megalophobia does not apply to movie titles) is the final installment of the Hobbit trilogy. Now you may ask: "How can you review a movie that isn't even out yet?" To which I reply, "When has not seeing a movie ever stopped me from reviewing it?" I am confident in my ability to predict film stories based on semi-related past knowledge. I won't spoil my predicted story here(since posting spoilers for movies before they are even finished is extremely rude), but it will likely:

• Focus excessively on characters that aren't even canon, possibly having more LotR characters show up for no reason (based on the 2 previous films)
• Involve a battle between 5 armies (I don't know why, just a random guess I had)
• Have Sauron's army show up to make it more of a LotR prequel (once again, based on previous films)
• Continue completely unnecessary elf-dwarf romantic subplot
• Have a really, really long ending(based on ending of previous Peter Jackson trilogy)
• Still be awesome (Because Tolkien)

Third review and I still didn't get to talk about the movie's quality. Umm... Yeah, it's pretty good.

47/56

Warning: The title of the movie contains three instances of the word "the". If you are offended by the grammatical concept of articles, do not watch this film. Actually, probably still watch it, because, come on, it's Tolkien.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

This is my second Hobbit review. I promise no more rants about book-splitting(that completely unnecessary and...) Nope, stopping right there. The Hobbit is about a hobbit. If you don't know what a hobbit is, it's like a midget, but not a dwarf. Because the dwarves are the dwarfs. Anyway, the dwarves recruit the hobbit and the team of dwarfs sets out on a grand adventure(that probably could have been much shor...) No, no rants! The midget team encounters many perils(Like huge trolls, stone giants, giant spiders, really tall elves, orcs that weren't even in the book, led by a really tall orc... Did Peter Jackson have megalophobia?) and LotR fanservice(Like Galadriel, Saruman, Legolas, Picture of Gimli) in their quest to get to a mountain by a specific date. Huh, I still haven't talked about the film's quality. Oh, well, good thing there's still one movie left for me to write a review for. (Although there really didn't...) Ok, ok, I'll stop.

13/16

Warning: This movie contains Legolas. If you are easily offended by violations of canon, do not watch this film. Actually, probably still watch it, because, come on, it's Tolkien.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

The Hobbit trilogy is a prequel to the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Or at least, the films are a trilogy. The original is a small children's book. Each book of LotR is individually longer than the entirety of The Hobbit, yet somehow, The Hobbit needs the same amount of screen time as the whole of LotR. This means that each film of the trilogy equates to roughly 100 pages of text in the book(and not very big pages, either). For comparison, the Harry Potter series has 4195/8 = 524.375 pages of text per film, despite the unnecessary book-splitting of Deathly Hallows. So, yeah, the Hobbit could have certainly been one movie without many omissions.  Hmmm... with all the ranting and math I forgot to talk about the actual film. Oh, well, I'll do it when I review the next one.


5/6

Warning: This movie is the first in an unnecessary trilogy. If you are offended by the unnecessary splitting of short books into multiple movies, do not watch this film. Actually, probably still watch it, because, come on, it's Tolkien.

I'm back

My apologies for not posting any reviews in the last month and a half, I was busy with being a prophet and procrastinating. I have now returned and will soon post a review of the first Hobbit movie. And by "soon", I mean, really, really, soon. I mean, I have the review typed up already and am about to post it. It just makes sense for this post to come first chronologically.

300

300 is a movie that would be really awkward to make a sequel for. Imagine the movie named 300 2. Visually, it would get confused with 3002, verbally people would think you mean 302. So, I suppose they are not planning to make a sequel. Anyway, the movie is about a Spartan king named Leonidas who fights Persians and yells memorable quotes. Seriously, it took people like 5 years to stop quoting the damn thing. Anyway, it's a movie full of yelling an gory violence. If that's the kind of movie you enjoy, 300 is the way to go for you.

300/373 Do you see what I did there?

Warning: This movie is about Sparta. If you are a patriotic Athenian, do not watch this film.

Noah

Noah is a film based on the world's #1 fiction bestseller, The Bible. The book is rather long, so the film focuses on one particular part of the story. The book's protagonist, a guy named Yahweh, decides to kill all life on earth with a flood. He then decides that making new life would be too much work, so he tells a random guy(Noah) to build a ship and save some animals to repopulate the earth afterwards. Why no one else with a ship survived is a question that is left unanswered. Or why Yahweh wants to wipe out life, and then has Noah save all the animals anyway. The story is unrealistic and kind of boring but the movie does a decent job of making it a bit more exciting( decent considering the source material it had to work with). But at least it has Emma Watson in it, which makes any movie better.

38/62

Warning: This movie is based on the Bible. If you are offended by any mythology other than your own, do not watch this film.

The King's Speech

The title is ambiguous. Is it referring to the general concept of "speech", or the specific speech he gave at the end? Anyway, The King's Speech is about a king. Who speaks. What makes him different from every other king(except Kanthirava Narasaraja II, who was mute) is that he had a speech impediment. The film tells the story of how he overcame it with the help of a speech therapist. It teaches us an important lesson: the solution to any problem is expensive therapy. This is a wonderful message that I think everyone should follow.
Paid for by the American Therapy Assosiation

90/83

Warning: This movie contains swearing. If you have lived under a rock your entire life and your pure, innocent ears have not yet been touched by such horrid language, do not watch this film.

Amadeus

Why not name the film Wolfgang or Mozart? Why use the guy's middle name? And why name it after Mozart when the main character is Salieri? Anyway, as you can probably tell, the movie is about the composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Antonio Salieri, and how Mozart is better. It's indirectly based on Alexander Pushkin's poem "Mozart and Salieri". And, of course, everyone has read that, so I don't have to explain further. The movie is an interesting adaptation of Pushkin's work, but is a bit vulgar at times. I give it a

25/33

Warning: This movie contains classical music. If you are incapable of appreciating any music without at least one bass drop, do not watch this film.

Only "Old Men" Are Going to Battle

OOMAGTB is about singing Soviet fighter plane pilots. If that sentence doesn't make you want to watch it, I don't know what will. It focuses on the lives of such people as Grasshopper, Maestro and Romeo as they battle German forces and sing in their spare time. There's also lots of great quotes that you will never get because you don't speak Russian.

44/45

Warning: This movie contains Soviets. If you still haven't gotten over the Cold War, do not watch this film.

Gladiator

Gladiator is a movie about a gladiator fighting in gladiatorial games, possibly with a gladius. I would guess(since I am once again reviewing a film I haven't seen) that he also has a gladiolus glade. And any film with a gladiator's gladiolus glade is a film I'm glad exists.

53/53

Warning: This movie contains an emperor. If you are offended by monarchical systems of government, do not watch this film.

Apollo 13

I decided to take a break from my usual routine and review a movie I've actually seen(rhyme not intentional). Apollo 13 is about a guy who really wants to go to the moon. He finally gets to go to the moon, but things explode and he has to turn around. And now, the people on the ground have to heroically do math in order to save him and his two astronaut friends. Math saves lives, people! I recommend this film to anyone who loves space, survival drama, and/or math.

84/87

Warning: This movie contains space. If you feel dwarfed by the sublime vastness of the infinite cosmos, do not watch this film.

The Butler

Here I am, once again, reviewing a movie I have never seen. From what I've heard from school bus conversations, it's some sort of anime. There's like, a badass demon, who serves as a butler to some guy who sold his soul to him in exchange. Doesn't sound a very good deal to me. A soul is worth a lot more than a butler's wage. The man could have been more efficient by selling his soul for money, and using the money to hire a butler instead. Aside from the obvious plot hole, it's a fairly enjoyable movie. Better than Lincoln.

15/18

Warning: This movie contains a nobleman and his servant. If you are a Marxist and are offended by social classes, do not watch this film.

Lincoln

              This appears to be a very often requested film for me to review. I know absolutely nothing about it and have never even heard of it before. I could research it, I guess, but I'm a critic, not a journalist. So I'll just extrapolate from what knowledge I do have.

              I know Abraham Lincoln was a US president who abolished slavery and promoted racial equality. He did some stuff at Gettysburg or something. His head is on the penny and the $5 bill. I also remember hearing something about him being a vampire hunter. He also had a cool hat. So, from my understanding, the film goes something like this:

The United States of America are invaded by an army of racist slave-owning vampires. The only man who can stop him is the legendary Abraham Lincoln, who must travel to Gettysburg to recover the ancient Top Hat of Vampire Slaying, and stop the vampire invasion for good.

This sounds like kind of a trashy action movie. But at least it's got some great, memorable, ridiculously cheesy one-liners like this one: "I'm not made of money! The money is made of me!". Lincoln is one of those "so-bad-it's-good" movies that are fun to watch just to laugh at how hilariously bad they are.

4/9

Warning: The protagonist of this movie has a cool beard. If you are offended by facial hair, do not watch this film.

Life is Beautiful

Warning: This review contains spoilers

I've only seen this one when I was a young child, so my memory may be hazy. From what I remember, it's a story of a young boy and his father who enter a contest to win a tank(the armored vehicle kind, not the liquid container kind). The boy competes against other children and adults and eventually gets to ride in a tank. It's a very nice, child-friendly film, and I don't recall seeing anything unsettling. The other contestants are sometimes rather mean to the protagonist, but that's only because they want the tank for themselves.

22/22

Warning: This movie contains a child. If the innocence of childhood is repulsive to you, do not watch this film.

The suggestions box

If you have a suggestion for what film I should review next, comment on this post.

Pocahontas

Now, I don't know much about Pocahontas. I'm not even sure how to spell it. But what I do know is that it's a Disney animated movie. So, I'd expect lots of songs to get stuck in my head when and if I watch it. Actually, now that I think about it, that sounds terrible. I'm not going to watch it now. EVER. If you don't want to get awesome songs stuck in your head for a long time, I suggest you don't watch it either. But the songs are awesome, though, so I will give it a

5/13

Warning: This movie contains racism. If you are offended by depictions of 1600s opinions, do not watch this film.

Titanic

Titanic is a movie. It's about this ship that runs into an iceberg and then everyone dies. It's a wonderful commentary on the state of the ship industry and the insufficiency of the safety standards of our cruise ships. There's also some sort of love story or something, but no one cares about that. I've never seen it, but from what I've heard, it was a titanic success. If you like to see things crashing, but real-life footage doesn't have enough romantic subplot for you, watch Titanic.

6/7 

Warning: This movie contains approximately one minute of nudity. If you are offended by basic anatomy, do not watch this film.