300

300 is a movie that would be really awkward to make a sequel for. Imagine the movie named 300 2. Visually, it would get confused with 3002, verbally people would think you mean 302. So, I suppose they are not planning to make a sequel. Anyway, the movie is about a Spartan king named Leonidas who fights Persians and yells memorable quotes. Seriously, it took people like 5 years to stop quoting the damn thing. Anyway, it's a movie full of yelling an gory violence. If that's the kind of movie you enjoy, 300 is the way to go for you.

300/373 Do you see what I did there?

Warning: This movie is about Sparta. If you are a patriotic Athenian, do not watch this film.

Noah

Noah is a film based on the world's #1 fiction bestseller, The Bible. The book is rather long, so the film focuses on one particular part of the story. The book's protagonist, a guy named Yahweh, decides to kill all life on earth with a flood. He then decides that making new life would be too much work, so he tells a random guy(Noah) to build a ship and save some animals to repopulate the earth afterwards. Why no one else with a ship survived is a question that is left unanswered. Or why Yahweh wants to wipe out life, and then has Noah save all the animals anyway. The story is unrealistic and kind of boring but the movie does a decent job of making it a bit more exciting( decent considering the source material it had to work with). But at least it has Emma Watson in it, which makes any movie better.

38/62

Warning: This movie is based on the Bible. If you are offended by any mythology other than your own, do not watch this film.

The King's Speech

The title is ambiguous. Is it referring to the general concept of "speech", or the specific speech he gave at the end? Anyway, The King's Speech is about a king. Who speaks. What makes him different from every other king(except Kanthirava Narasaraja II, who was mute) is that he had a speech impediment. The film tells the story of how he overcame it with the help of a speech therapist. It teaches us an important lesson: the solution to any problem is expensive therapy. This is a wonderful message that I think everyone should follow.
Paid for by the American Therapy Assosiation

90/83

Warning: This movie contains swearing. If you have lived under a rock your entire life and your pure, innocent ears have not yet been touched by such horrid language, do not watch this film.

Amadeus

Why not name the film Wolfgang or Mozart? Why use the guy's middle name? And why name it after Mozart when the main character is Salieri? Anyway, as you can probably tell, the movie is about the composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Antonio Salieri, and how Mozart is better. It's indirectly based on Alexander Pushkin's poem "Mozart and Salieri". And, of course, everyone has read that, so I don't have to explain further. The movie is an interesting adaptation of Pushkin's work, but is a bit vulgar at times. I give it a

25/33

Warning: This movie contains classical music. If you are incapable of appreciating any music without at least one bass drop, do not watch this film.

Only "Old Men" Are Going to Battle

OOMAGTB is about singing Soviet fighter plane pilots. If that sentence doesn't make you want to watch it, I don't know what will. It focuses on the lives of such people as Grasshopper, Maestro and Romeo as they battle German forces and sing in their spare time. There's also lots of great quotes that you will never get because you don't speak Russian.

44/45

Warning: This movie contains Soviets. If you still haven't gotten over the Cold War, do not watch this film.

Gladiator

Gladiator is a movie about a gladiator fighting in gladiatorial games, possibly with a gladius. I would guess(since I am once again reviewing a film I haven't seen) that he also has a gladiolus glade. And any film with a gladiator's gladiolus glade is a film I'm glad exists.

53/53

Warning: This movie contains an emperor. If you are offended by monarchical systems of government, do not watch this film.

Apollo 13

I decided to take a break from my usual routine and review a movie I've actually seen(rhyme not intentional). Apollo 13 is about a guy who really wants to go to the moon. He finally gets to go to the moon, but things explode and he has to turn around. And now, the people on the ground have to heroically do math in order to save him and his two astronaut friends. Math saves lives, people! I recommend this film to anyone who loves space, survival drama, and/or math.

84/87

Warning: This movie contains space. If you feel dwarfed by the sublime vastness of the infinite cosmos, do not watch this film.

The Butler

Here I am, once again, reviewing a movie I have never seen. From what I've heard from school bus conversations, it's some sort of anime. There's like, a badass demon, who serves as a butler to some guy who sold his soul to him in exchange. Doesn't sound a very good deal to me. A soul is worth a lot more than a butler's wage. The man could have been more efficient by selling his soul for money, and using the money to hire a butler instead. Aside from the obvious plot hole, it's a fairly enjoyable movie. Better than Lincoln.

15/18

Warning: This movie contains a nobleman and his servant. If you are a Marxist and are offended by social classes, do not watch this film.

Lincoln

              This appears to be a very often requested film for me to review. I know absolutely nothing about it and have never even heard of it before. I could research it, I guess, but I'm a critic, not a journalist. So I'll just extrapolate from what knowledge I do have.

              I know Abraham Lincoln was a US president who abolished slavery and promoted racial equality. He did some stuff at Gettysburg or something. His head is on the penny and the $5 bill. I also remember hearing something about him being a vampire hunter. He also had a cool hat. So, from my understanding, the film goes something like this:

The United States of America are invaded by an army of racist slave-owning vampires. The only man who can stop him is the legendary Abraham Lincoln, who must travel to Gettysburg to recover the ancient Top Hat of Vampire Slaying, and stop the vampire invasion for good.

This sounds like kind of a trashy action movie. But at least it's got some great, memorable, ridiculously cheesy one-liners like this one: "I'm not made of money! The money is made of me!". Lincoln is one of those "so-bad-it's-good" movies that are fun to watch just to laugh at how hilariously bad they are.

4/9

Warning: The protagonist of this movie has a cool beard. If you are offended by facial hair, do not watch this film.

Life is Beautiful

Warning: This review contains spoilers

I've only seen this one when I was a young child, so my memory may be hazy. From what I remember, it's a story of a young boy and his father who enter a contest to win a tank(the armored vehicle kind, not the liquid container kind). The boy competes against other children and adults and eventually gets to ride in a tank. It's a very nice, child-friendly film, and I don't recall seeing anything unsettling. The other contestants are sometimes rather mean to the protagonist, but that's only because they want the tank for themselves.

22/22

Warning: This movie contains a child. If the innocence of childhood is repulsive to you, do not watch this film.

The suggestions box

If you have a suggestion for what film I should review next, comment on this post.

Pocahontas

Now, I don't know much about Pocahontas. I'm not even sure how to spell it. But what I do know is that it's a Disney animated movie. So, I'd expect lots of songs to get stuck in my head when and if I watch it. Actually, now that I think about it, that sounds terrible. I'm not going to watch it now. EVER. If you don't want to get awesome songs stuck in your head for a long time, I suggest you don't watch it either. But the songs are awesome, though, so I will give it a

5/13

Warning: This movie contains racism. If you are offended by depictions of 1600s opinions, do not watch this film.

Titanic

Titanic is a movie. It's about this ship that runs into an iceberg and then everyone dies. It's a wonderful commentary on the state of the ship industry and the insufficiency of the safety standards of our cruise ships. There's also some sort of love story or something, but no one cares about that. I've never seen it, but from what I've heard, it was a titanic success. If you like to see things crashing, but real-life footage doesn't have enough romantic subplot for you, watch Titanic.

6/7 

Warning: This movie contains approximately one minute of nudity. If you are offended by basic anatomy, do not watch this film.