The Lion King

Imagine Hamlet, but with lions. Now you may say, "Well, that's an oddly specific and rather strange concept." Well, Disney liked it, and they made a movie out of it. It follows Lion Hamlet Simba, as his father, Lion King Hamlet Mufasa, is killed by his uncle Lion Claudius Scar. There's no Lion Ophelia, though, because Disney is family-friendly and stuff. And, since it's Disney, all dramatic soliloquies have been replaced with catchy songs. If Shakespeare saw this, he would say "Egads! A moving picture! What is this sorcery?!", followed by "Wait, wasn't I dead?"

75/78

Warning: This movie contains animals killing each other. If you are offended by how nature works, do not watch this film.

The Matrix

They say that life is a game. The Matrix is about a guy who hax. Like, seriously, he's got fly mode, speedhack, instant respawn, wallhacks, infinite weapons. The movie follows his adventures as he meets a group of l33t hax0rz and learns hax from them, while pwning the admins that are trying to permaban him. A very fun movie, with lots of action and computery-sounding jargon.

1337/1453

Warning: This movie is set in the 90s. If you are offended by depictions of outdated technology, do not watch this film.

Quiz Show

Quiz Show is not actually a quiz show. Blatant false advertising if you ask me. It is, however, at least about a quiz show. But it had very little actual quizzing. Mostly some drama about corruption and families and stuff. I came expecting trivia contests and was left completely disappointed. Would not recommend.

8/21

Warning: This movie is based on actual events from American history. If you are offended by any history that does not involve people killing each other, do not watch this film.

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies (Apparently, Peter Jackson's megalophobia does not apply to movie titles) is the final installment of the Hobbit trilogy. Now you may ask: "How can you review a movie that isn't even out yet?" To which I reply, "When has not seeing a movie ever stopped me from reviewing it?" I am confident in my ability to predict film stories based on semi-related past knowledge. I won't spoil my predicted story here(since posting spoilers for movies before they are even finished is extremely rude), but it will likely:

• Focus excessively on characters that aren't even canon, possibly having more LotR characters show up for no reason (based on the 2 previous films)
• Involve a battle between 5 armies (I don't know why, just a random guess I had)
• Have Sauron's army show up to make it more of a LotR prequel (once again, based on previous films)
• Continue completely unnecessary elf-dwarf romantic subplot
• Have a really, really long ending(based on ending of previous Peter Jackson trilogy)
• Still be awesome (Because Tolkien)

Third review and I still didn't get to talk about the movie's quality. Umm... Yeah, it's pretty good.

47/56

Warning: The title of the movie contains three instances of the word "the". If you are offended by the grammatical concept of articles, do not watch this film. Actually, probably still watch it, because, come on, it's Tolkien.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

This is my second Hobbit review. I promise no more rants about book-splitting(that completely unnecessary and...) Nope, stopping right there. The Hobbit is about a hobbit. If you don't know what a hobbit is, it's like a midget, but not a dwarf. Because the dwarves are the dwarfs. Anyway, the dwarves recruit the hobbit and the team of dwarfs sets out on a grand adventure(that probably could have been much shor...) No, no rants! The midget team encounters many perils(Like huge trolls, stone giants, giant spiders, really tall elves, orcs that weren't even in the book, led by a really tall orc... Did Peter Jackson have megalophobia?) and LotR fanservice(Like Galadriel, Saruman, Legolas, Picture of Gimli) in their quest to get to a mountain by a specific date. Huh, I still haven't talked about the film's quality. Oh, well, good thing there's still one movie left for me to write a review for. (Although there really didn't...) Ok, ok, I'll stop.

13/16

Warning: This movie contains Legolas. If you are easily offended by violations of canon, do not watch this film. Actually, probably still watch it, because, come on, it's Tolkien.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

The Hobbit trilogy is a prequel to the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Or at least, the films are a trilogy. The original is a small children's book. Each book of LotR is individually longer than the entirety of The Hobbit, yet somehow, The Hobbit needs the same amount of screen time as the whole of LotR. This means that each film of the trilogy equates to roughly 100 pages of text in the book(and not very big pages, either). For comparison, the Harry Potter series has 4195/8 = 524.375 pages of text per film, despite the unnecessary book-splitting of Deathly Hallows. So, yeah, the Hobbit could have certainly been one movie without many omissions.  Hmmm... with all the ranting and math I forgot to talk about the actual film. Oh, well, I'll do it when I review the next one.


5/6

Warning: This movie is the first in an unnecessary trilogy. If you are offended by the unnecessary splitting of short books into multiple movies, do not watch this film. Actually, probably still watch it, because, come on, it's Tolkien.

I'm back

My apologies for not posting any reviews in the last month and a half, I was busy with being a prophet and procrastinating. I have now returned and will soon post a review of the first Hobbit movie. And by "soon", I mean, really, really, soon. I mean, I have the review typed up already and am about to post it. It just makes sense for this post to come first chronologically.